My mom is the strongest woman I’ve ever met, and the most beautiful soul. I want to be able to help her especially when she is sick. I don’t want my mom to live the rest of her life worried about bills or needs.

I want to give her everything she ever wanted. I want to give her everything we never had. I know she doesn’t expect me to pay her back for all that she’s done for me, but I want to. I could never die knowing I left her nothing but pain. It’s not fair to leave her with that emptiness. I think of what would happen to her if I really ended my life. When I hit rock bottom, and when I want to give up badly, I think of my mom. In the darkest and most painful moments of my life I never realized my mom was always there. Even when I’m depressed and feeling lonely, I know I have them and I know they aren’t going anywhere.

I owe them so much because when I’m down, I can always count on them to pick me back up. I owe my mom and my brother my entire life. I want to buy my brother everything he needs and wants as well. I want to build a career for myself and make money so I can buy my mom a house and everything she needs and everything she’s ever wanted. All I truly want in this life is to make my mother proud. The person that I should lash out on is my dad for not being there when I need him. It makes me sad that sometimes I lash out on my mom because she’s the last person I should do that to. I guess that’s just the way my mind works. I’m always up and down and I could never stay in one place.

The thing about me is that I can be this amazing person with a passionate soul and caring heart, but I can also be a terrible person at times. There are also days where I’m so angry and the despair settles in. Some days I feel happy and other days I feel extremely numb or sad. Depression holds me back a lot, and so does anxiety. I have so many goals and so many things that I want to do. Although I’m not in a good place, I still have dreams.

Late night thoughts